


Meetings Are a Pain

by TonicClaw



Series: Red Genesis (Collection) [1]
Category: Red Genesis
Genre: Excessive use of Sarcasm, Explanations, Lore Bashing, March Needs To Chill, Swearing, Vampires
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-01
Updated: 2019-03-01
Packaged: 2019-11-07 16:58:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,515
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17964464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TonicClaw/pseuds/TonicClaw
Summary: This is March, He is now going to tell you what being a Vampire actually entails.





	Meetings Are a Pain

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This is a new thing I'm working on- not sure how it's gonna go but I'll try a plot and character stuff <3

Hey- I'm March McKenna. I'm a vampire.

 

Yup- betcha thought those didn't exist. They do just not a whole lot of 'em. At least not that I'm aware of.

 

The Media got Vampire culture put through a blender. Let me explain-

 

_No we don't glitter and sparkle in the sunlight- unless you're stuck in the decade I was turned in (70's/80's) you won't find one of us stuck in that position- ever._

 

_No we don't do the super fast run- we can only go 3 miles per hour if hyped up on something. Other than that don't expect one of us to carry you across two states in the matter of 4 seconds._

 

_We can go in the sunlight! Just not when it's rising/high in the sky/setting. Just no huge amounts of it and we'll be fine._

 

_We don't hiss for crying out loud no. We actually whistle (or at least for the ones who can) and click the tongue (for those who like me can't whistle) it's kinda like a calling card? Like every noise is kinda specifically made for the one Vampire. It may sound the same at first but it's different trust me- we change the pitch only for us to hear. Humans can say they can hear the difference but no. They can't._

 

_Our ears aren't pointy! The canals are bigger._

 

_We can drink other things aside from blood- we don't have to have it as a go to meal. Only like..3 times a month on separate days._

 

_No- no accents. Unless you're from somewhere else, like my friend that lives in Milwaukee we don't have the accent. You know the one. Like- c'mon. You're embarrassing yourselves. Jesus._

 

_Our faces only distort when we feed from a living thing. I don't want to hear about Buffy when it comes to facial distortions. We don't have the Supernatural teeth either. We have simple ways of getting blood from things like our nails (if you don't chew them like I do) the teeth are sort of an option for nail biters, amputees, etc._

 

_We don't sleep in coffins! Jesus. We have beds like normal people. We face the bed away from the window._

 

_Not all of us are dark and brooding. No. Only Castle and his buddies are the only Vamps I know that rock that look._

 

_We are not all young. I look about 35 because my body didn't react well to the change (I was 20 when I got changed) My friend Clyde looks better than I do (even though he's frickin’ 40-) because he took care of himself before and after the change. You take care of your body? You look younger. You don't? Well sucks for you because you'll look like frickin' that ‘I'm a doctor not a-’ guy from Star Trek- the next gen version. Yeah._

 

_We don't go nuts when we see blood. Maybe after like a gallon we get antsy. Other than that Vamps can work in hospitals and morgues- night shift though. We can't be around bleach that much (at least I can't. Castle can't either.) And no we don't go looking for blood in blood bags. Who do you think we are? Savages? No. That's only on the rare occasion that you're in dire need of it and aren't among the living._

 

_Our eyes aren't different colors. They only go a cool grey when we get turned or we die. I never wish anyone the death that a Vamp has. That's why we play nice most of the time. Our deaths are frickin’ painful. Like slowly getting your skin peeled off kind of painful. Yeah let that sink in. We don't do the poof dirt crap. We shrivel and our bodies slowly shut down. Since our hearts do stop all our functions do too but only for the first few days. The functions are on but faster than normal for whatever reason so when they slow the body freaks out and it hurts like a b*tch._

 

_I (and many other Vamps like me who were turned before proper technology was a thing) am not tech savvy. I still don't know how to work a touchscreen and I haven't updated my small laptop since the Windows 7 Professional update came out. People look at me weird when I step into like- a tech store and I fumble with literally everything. No it's not as simple as it looks when it comes to the newer stuff, no I'm not stupid. I just don't frickin’ understand the whole VR thing like can't you die from that? Jesus._

 

_Some of us are not as douche-y as we look. Like me- most Vamps have what you call now 'a resting b*tch face’ and what I used to call getting bummed out is now..'sad boy hours..?’ And we know we look like that but trust me- we'd've already changed it if we could._

 

_Most Vamps swing both ways. Not for the reason you're thinking though. When you have an eternity to do and be whoever you want- people come and go a lot (sadly) so you learn to not be a prejudiced ass and role with some cute kid from downtown asking for Starbucks on a frickin’ Saturday afternoon. C'mon. We're already “damned to hell” anyways- why not make the most out of however many centuries you got left. I'm referencing my last boyfriend Lawrence- such a sweetheart. Then once you get over the fact that you'll live past these people you learn to live again. That took me hitting a lady with my car (by accident! Jesus I'm not that much of a murderer) and even though I tried to help-..well she died on the street. Since she was a hooker- sorry- escort- she didn't have any family ties and the other ladies on her corner mourned her like hell but only for a few months. Those women are frickin’ strong as hell lemme tell you that- mentally and physically. One of them took their heel and jabbed me in the shoulder with it- a frickin’ Stiletto- and she was-..wow holy crap she just dragged her friend out of the road. Of frickin’ course she cried- the whole bunch of them did. They told me to leave or else they'd be hitting me worse. I did. I still kinda want to know who that lady was though- still feel as if I need to pay some sort of respect somehow. She died in '95. Still haven't forgotten.._

 

So yeah- my parents weren't jerks- though naming me after a month seems a little mean. That only means when someone says March I turn towards them. It's 2019 now and I can't work a vacuum properly, I still wash dishes by hand (yes all of them), no I'm not into politics- I've been around that kinda stuff for 40 years and I know it's all gonna stay the same no matter who sits up where. My friends are my family, they make sure I don't mess up. They carry me home half the time. I had to leave Lawrence because-..he didn't like killing things for me whenever I happened to be in the hospital for bone fractures. We still talk but he's moved on and so have I (we still go out for Starbucks once a month so it's nice).

 

…

Oh..

Yeah..

Almost forgot.

 

_We can only turn people over the age of 18. We can't have children either. That's why Vampires are mostly male- we'd rather not drag the nice young ladies with dreams into whatever personal hells we've created as a species to fit whatever. They deserve better than that. The ladies who got turned either can't or don't want children. They're real cool about us kinda making it a mostly male thing- we'd rather not ruin a life. The men who did get turned (like me) had to because we have to keep this whole thing going. We're not super strong and we don't break beds during intimate times. We can have those times all we want but most of us choose not to because it'll hurt the person's feelings. It's actually worse than a one night stand because we have to leave immediately after because if we don't-..we end up hurting them for real. Like imagine having a real nice time and having the person instantly get out of bed and out the door because our bodies can only handle so much. That's why we can only do half of what the media says we can because of they way our bodies have to work. Our bodies are extremely overworked? We pass out and then have to feed since recovery is a b*tch. Feeding while drained isn't a good idea- it'll kill the person._

 

So there you have it. I'm not kidding. That's it. My life is slow and it sucks (only because I make it that way don't worry). And no- I can't turn into a bat. Kinda bummed about that though.

 

Alright- see'ya.


End file.
